The Coldest Broken Boy at Hogwarts
by kittyhere
Summary: A single event can blow someone's world apart- even Draco Malfoy's. TW: Rape Better than the title sounds :)


**PLEASE read entire authors note! It's not long but it is important **

**Hey Guys! Before I even start this authors not a trigger warning:**

**Trigger Warning: Descriptions and discussion of rape.**

**Malfoy is definitely not the cocky asshat we know and love in this story- and that's how I wrote it. I definitely wanted to show and acknowledge that when someone is violated this way they can't bounce back as quickly as others on this site seem to think. Its definitely a process and I wanted to at least try to explain that through this oneshot. **

**Please review and I'll give you virtual cookies :***

The nightmares, you decide, are the worst. Memories of fingers ghosting up your inner thighs, clutching at your shoulders & leaving scratch marks on your back. It's not just that, either. It's when you wake up in the middle of the night shaking under your sheets, hot tears burning your eyes, and biting at your knuckles in a feeble attempt to keep quiet.

Sometimes, you can't get back to sleep, choking & suffocating underneath your own thoughts. Mostly, you're ashamed. You couldn't fight back, even though you tried. You tried so damn hard, but your head was suddenly cracked on the castle wall, and you couldn't do anything but try not to throw up as your head pounded.

You couldn't move. You could do nothing as he sat on top of you, leaving harsh, unwanted kisses along your jawline, and whispering small, fragmented sentences in your ear.

"Fuck, malfoy. You're so good."

"It's ok, I'll make it feel nice."

"You're too pretty to resist."

"Relax, I'll make it quick."

"Draco, I've wanted to do this for years."

You wanted to beg, plead for a shred of mercy, but Malfoy's don't beg, so instead you stared defiantly into his eyes, trying to squash the fear threatening to consume you.

Eventually, you had given in, sobbing and crying out in pain because fuck, it hurt. He had laughed at you- actually laughed, saying "it's ok, it's just sex."

But it wasn't just sex. It wasn't. You had pushed against his prying hands, kicked, fought, but he was stronger.

After, he had almost gently wiped your tears away, looking down on you in what seemed like amusement. "Guess you can't call yourself a virgin anymore, eh?" He'd joked.

Wide eyed, you'd stared up at him, disbelieving. No way in hell had he just made a fucking joke. It was in that moment you had realized the crushing reality of the situation. This guy had just raped you and he was making jokes about it. He had taken something important, caused you pain, and found it within him to laugh.

In a bit, he'd left, left you lying there in the grass of the Hogwarts grounds, teary eyed & hurting. At some point, you'd forced yourself up, put your clothes back on, and left. Even in your state, there was no way you were letting anyone see you like that. You were a Malfoy, after all.

Normalcy, you realized, was unachievable. It frustrated you to no end that you couldn't just forget and move on. It had happened months ago, and you still couldn't function normally.

Later, you'd learned he was a Gryffindor- seventh year. A fucking Gryffindor raped you. If your father ever found out about... that, you'd be dead. You had been to weak to fight off a Gryffindor- it made you sick.

You make yourself sick a lot these days.

Pansy kept asking what was wrong- kept telling you you'd changed.

"Draco, I'm worried! What happened?" You blew her off, told her she was being stupid, and tried to keep yourself from throwing up or bursting into tears- or both.

What was worse was the fact you could barely force yourself to go down to meals anymore. When he saw you, he'd wink. You'd already had to give up advanced transfiguration, after finding out he was in the class. No way in hell could you make it through a whole 2 hours with the bastard two desks behind you. No- it was best if you just took Arithmancy, even if you didn't enjoy it nearly as much as transfiguration...

But of course, he couldn't just stick to winking at you from across the great hall.

One particularly awful march morning, just as you had entered the great hall, he'd grabbed your arm and got close- much to close, and whispered:

"You look great today." Before sauntering off.

Suddenly, your chest constricted. The place his fingers had grabbed your arm burned, and it terrified you to realize you couldn't breathe.

You'd had multiple panic attacks before, because of the attack. But never in public. Never like this.

You clutched at your throat, aiming to loosen your tie but everything you did seemed to make it worse.

You must've looked like a fish out of water, standing there trying to force air into your stupid lungs- before you slid down the wall into the floor, of course.

Almost instantly, Pansy was on her knees beside you, followed by Blaise. "Fuck, Draco what's wrong?" Blaise had asked, worry evident in his tone.

Breathing became harder as you realized how quiet the great hall had become, and you could feel everyone's eyes burning into you.

Your eyes naturally sought him out- and you found him, smirking at you and whispering to one of his asshole friends.

What you didn't notice- and neither did he, apparently, was the golden boy, harry fucking potter, hero of the ages, sitting across from him, listening with wide eyes to his story.

In a blur, someone had punched the asshole in the face, affectively breaking his nose.

"What the FUCK" he'd yelled, and you'd flinched because you could remember that same voice whispering in your ear in dewy grass, and hearing it raised and angry sent electric fear through your body.

"You RAPED him?" Someone had yelled, and it only took a second for you to realize the voice- Potter. Harry fucking Potter, of course, the saviour couldn't help but try to fix the situation.

"Shut up, potter. He wanted it." The other guy- your rapist- sneered.

At that moment, all you wanted to do was disappear. Instead, you ended up getting sick all over Pansy's robes. Pansy shrieked but didn't back away, and Blaise looked positively ill, but you're almost 100% it wasn't because of you getting sick.

Snape is suddenly beside you, getting you on your feet and leading you out of the hall. Halfway to the infirmary- you're sure that's where you're going- you pass out.

Voices. Loud breathing. Blearily, you're eyes open and the ceiling of the hospital wing stares down at you. "Erm-" you turn to the voice and surprise surprise, there's Potter. "Pansy and Blaise were here earlier. I just- I'm-" he's struggling for words. "Spit it out." You say, and you're angry to hear how small your voice sounds. "I'm sorry I announced that he... You know. I just overheard him tell his friend and Hermione says I do this thing where I try to be the hero. I broke his nose and-". You interrupt. "Potter. You're babbling." He nods. "Sorry- I just knew him, and he was a _friend. _I _knew _him!Hermione also says I do this thing where I let my emotions take control- I just thought you should know he's kicked out of school. And- well, everyone knows, Malfoy. I'm sorry..." He sounds awkward, as if he's not sure what he's doing. It should make you feel good, that you have Potter in your debt. And it does, until you realize what he just said.

Everyone knows.

Everyone_ knows_.

Your eyes burn and you turn away, not one to let anyone see you cry. Obviously uncomfortable, he leaves, and you let the first of many tears slide down your cheek.

Returning to classes was hard. Returning to classmates was harder. Either they didn't know what to do because everyone knew about what had happened, or they hated you because they were friends with the bastard you apparently "got kicked out of school"

You are used to stares, to whispers- you're Draco Malfoy. For years, you've been talked about in school. Usually just by jealous kids or the freaking golden trio.

This is different. You can't get past the fact that they all talk so nonchalantly about the most traumatic moment of your life- as if it's just news on the front page of the paper.

It seems like Blaise and Pansy are the only ones on your side. Eventually though, you push them away too. You want to be left alone, and you let them know. Not nicely either.

Alone, angry, and dying just a bit inside, you snap in your Head Boy dorm one night- throwing things and screaming about how unfair it is. Because it's not fair. It's not fucking fair and it never will be. It will never ever be ok, either- and at some point, you realize, you'll have to accept that.

The beginning to that acceptance comes in the unexpected form of Hermione granger. Some guy- a friend of the bastard who ruined your life, shoves you as you're walking down the hall. Off guard, and if you were being honest, too damn tired to fight back, you stumble and trip over your own robes, landing on your ass.

A hand is extended out to you, and without thinking, you take it, and you are pulled up to face Hermione granger.

Blinking in surprise, you stare at her. She offers you a smile. Timid? Yes, but a smile nonetheless. Surprising even yourself, you smile back- or you try, at least. Your sure it's comes across as a pained grimace, but you haven't smiled in so long, who could blame you? She understands, thankfully, and walks away, leaving you feeling a little less empty, even if just for a moment.

And that's how the last bit of your year continues- horrible, but with some small victories. Sometimes you smile, even if it's a weak one. You can eat entire meals without feeling sick. (Most of the time) Sometimes, your old, confident, cocky attitude appears, even if just for a minute, before disappearing again for weeks. It frustrates you when you realize how much you've changed- you're a shell of your old self. Usually one to try to be in the center, now you shy back. It makes you so mad. How dare he take that from you? How dare he take your confidence, your self-assuredness, and your self-respect? Comparing the bastard to a tornado was an understatement- he tore up your whole life, and left you unrecognizable, even to yourself.

But you try to focus on your small achievements. It's not much, but it's something. You hold on to that, because at the moment, it's all you've got.

Finally, the end of the year arrives. As you board the train, you realize that despite your small improvements, you still have no one to sit with.

Sighing, you make your way to the Slytherin compartment, and sit by yourself in one of the back booths.

About 20 minutes in to the train ride, the door of your booth slides open and Pansy and Blaise squeeze in. They don't say anything; just sit on either side of you. You'll never, ever admit it, but you could've screamed for joy at the fact that even though you'd told them months ago to fuck off, they still care.

At some point, you let your head lean on Pansy's shoulder. Blaise, in a rare moment of emotion, squeezes your shoulder, and you figure that at some point- certainly not now, and definitely not anytime soon- you'll be okay.


End file.
